Today I feel heavy. Not the “ate too much Thanksgiving dinner” heavy. Not the “worked out so much my legs feel like lead” heavy. And, not the “just got hit with some deep thoughts” heavy. Today is the “life feels hard” heavy.
From the moment I woke up today, I have felt tired. I could have lay my head down at any point today and immediately slept. T.I.R.E.D. Either the classic radiation fatigue is moving in or I am still recovering from a lovely but busy holiday weekend. Maybe a little of both.
My skin has become tight, swollen, tender and raw with open sores developing under my arm and along my bra lines. I can no longer wear my usual attractive/supportive underwires, and have had to switch to prophylactic undergarments, rigged with various cushions and pads. I have a special nightly wash, two different prescription ointments/lotions, and a regular regimen of anti-inflammatory drugs. Comfortable sleeping positions are few and bear hugs (one of my favorite things) are crippling.
When Dr. Small asked me this morning how my skin was doing, I said. “It’s pretty bad.” Upon examination he replied, “That actually looks pretty good. It is going to get much worse.” Aw, shit.
Dr. Small then sent me upstairs for some blood work and my favorite phlebotomist was there. When I asked her about her holiday, she shared that it was horrible. Her boyfriend had been murdered on Halloween and they usually spent Thanksgiving with his family. They have one child together and he was the father of three others. I was shocked, teared up, hugged her, and listened to what she was willing to share. It is a bit of an understatement that my walk back to the car was heavy.
I thought about all the shitty things that people go through. Everything from a basic nothing-is-going-right bad day to a catastrophic life changing event, like losing a loved one. Sometimes I use my alter ego, Suzy Sunshine, to avoid feeling sadness or despair. To find the lessen in every situation because feeling an emotion other than happy or optimistic can feel uncomfortable and unpleasant. I’d much rather feel joy or hope. Who wouldn’t? But, sometimes, it is important to simply honor our feelings and really feel them rather than pushing them aside or morphing them into something more comfortable.
I recently heard the expression, “If you cannot be fully present during times of sadness, you will not be fully present during times of joy”. That doesn’t translate to indulging in continuous moping or sitting in depression. But, it does free me up to really see and feel different shades of the human condition. And, by being more present, I can understand myself and others a bit more.
So, today I feel heavy.
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